Monday, November 17, 2008

Usually, I like to keep my blog about the things that make me happy in life. Today, I just cannot write happy things. I'm sure that there are times in every woman's life where she just wonders if she has made a mistake marrying the man she did. Well, today is one of those days for me. At the beginning of October my grandmother who raised me had a mild heart attack and I believe a stroke. I applied for annual leave at my job 2 weeks after her attack after she was home. I asked for 3 weeks off. So we could have a week and a half there and a week and a half back home. Well, unknown to me my mother-in-law decided in this time that we were coming there (Pennsylvania) to stay with them for 3-4 days over Thanksgiving. Of course she didn't tell us that until my trip to my grandmother's was already planned and we were 2 days from leaving. To make a long story short, we offered to visit my mother-in-law for 3 days when we got back home (when I had a week off of work) because, I couldn't get off work during Thanksgiving. Because, I had already took my time earlier.

At first she was mad, but grudgingly said okay. Then after a night of sulking, she called and told us, that she and my father-in-law had "other plans". While she is on the phone I can hear her talking crap about me. She's saying how I never have trouble getting off work for 3 weeks to visit my family. This is the same woman who didn't want us parking our "old truck" by her home for fear it would "embrass them in front of their neighbors". These are people who live in a gated country club community, they are retired, they have plenty of money, they drive to Florida every winter and stay for 4-5 months and they get mad because, oh my goodness, I have a job! What can I do but, tell my husband it would be okay with me if him and his son drive down there to placate his mother. So, instead of standing up for me and telling her that if she won't see us when I can go, he's going down with his son. He's too big a wussy to stand up to the woman. But, he sure as heck can take it out on me. All I've heard from these people when I was unemployed for 5 months, was when are you going to work, etc, etc. They're always so darn worried about my employment and I've worked since before I was 16! My husband, his daughter, her husband, their room mate and his son and other daughter none of them work! My husband is truly disabled, his daughter is "bi-polar" HA, her hubby is an alcoholic and so is their room mate, his son..who knows, he works when he's out of drugs!Perhaps they should worry about their own darn unemployment record. My hubbie has always wanted me to work, but then gets mad at me when there are times that I haven't been able to get off work. Now, he was of course drinking today. Then when I get home, he's being overtly rude. Then the one thing that really set me off- I've asked him repeatedly, NOT to let my chickens out in the backyard when I'm not here. What does he do but, let Phoebe & Scroungey out, he closed their pen door and left to go drink with his son and daughter and her husband. I've told him not to let them out for safety sake. A loose dog or any predator could come around and kill them. Phoebe is limping and she'd be easy prey. If he lets them out and she gets hurt, I don't think I could stay with him. To be so darn selfish and disrespectful...I'm darn sick of it.

I'm too old for these little sulky & childish games. I'm about ready to walk. But, the one thing that keeps me here- is that those little jerks (my step kids and in-laws) who have treated me so terribly for 12 years and have back stabbed me after I was kind to them every chance they got... they're not going to make out on my hard work on this place, after how they have treated me all these years.

My husband wants thanked for everything he does for me and I honestly am very appreciative of any sacrifice he has made. Though, he doesn't seem to think that I've made any sacrifices at all. There are times when I don't believe that he appreciates anything I've done or that I do around here. I really feel taken for granted and hurt. Anytime he doesn't get his way, he punishes me. He'll get drunk (tho of course to hear him tell it he's not 'drunk'), start on the self-pity & sulking mode, then be passive-aggressive saying little barbs to get my goat, then he'll blow up, then go off downstairs to sulk like a little biotch. I tell you it's so predictable, I'm very bored and sick of it.

If it wasn't for my cat and chickens I'd of probably been gone long ago. It will go great for a month or so, when he doesn't drink. Then he'll go a month or so drinking at his daughters, until I'm ready to take off. Any more, I truly, just don't have the energy, the strength or the desire to ride this roller coaster. My mind is so tired of the mind freak. He'll tell me he wants to move to Arkansas, then when I get excited, he'll start something and say "well, if you're going to be mean, I'm not moving to Arkansas". It's like I'm the jackass that he's holding the carrot in front of and he moves it just about when I have it. He doesn't want to grow in Christ and in his walk with the Lord. I really feel that I need to get out of this rut for my own spiritual walk with God.

I have an adrenal tumor and I'm not getting any medical care for it. I honestly am not in the health to deal with this crap. I've got calcification on my left lung from pneumonia and I've always got some sort of asthma or sinus or lung infection. It's from stressing over this crap all the time. There's no normalcy. I'm sick of it.

I'm praying that God will give me a way out if that is his desire for my life. I've never wanted to have a marriage that ended in divorce. I'm a fighter, I'm going to try and pray to make it through this. I pray God will give me the strength to do it. Sometimes I think perhaps when we're not spiritually mature and not living for the Lord (like me when I met my husband), perhaps we yoke ourselves with people that the Lord never meant for us to begin with. I love my husband and I know I'm what stands between him and Satan taking him. Before I met him he was a total drunk all the time. He wasn't baptised and he didn't believe in Jesus or have any relationship with him. I know if I left Eric, he'd be right back to the drunk lifestyle and he'd be bitter. Who knows maybe he'd be happy as a lark.

Okay, I'm done whining. It's nice to have this blog to gripe to-

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